Performing “as one of the band” in a musical recently, I was reminded about the difference between ‘band call’ and a full cast rehearsal. The band call went well enough; friendships were re-established and new acquaintances made, each other’s skill levels gauged, balance levels set, and ‘who leads where’ logged in the mind. So we settled ourselves down in a recessed pit (stage extended above us as far as the conductor’s desk) and started “sawing away” .. and then .. thirty-two tap dancers exploded some 2 feet just above our heads ! Why do they never put such essential information in the score ?

And that reminded me of a story told me by “a very good friend” .. when he was sitting in the pit (fortunately .. or otherwise) in front of the curtain. Anyway; opening night, and the audience waited for the arrival of the guest-of-honour (who was a little late). But (and why is there always a ‘but’ ?) no-one told the stage manager. His (it could easily have been a ‘her’) “book” said .. 10 mins. before curtain, start the smoke machines - that was for a production of Brigadoon, the Lerner and Lowe musical about a mysterious Scottish village that appears out of the mist for only one day every 100 years. Anyway; they all waited, doing nothing .. while the smoke generators kept doing what they did best. Cut to the Lord Mayor ensconced comfortably in his box; the lights dim; the orchestra starts up; the curtains part .. and a fog-bank, some 25 feet high, slides slowly and inexorably into the pit and across the first 10 rows of seats ! Slowly instruments cease to play as their copies become obscured (much in the manner of Haydn’s ‘Farewell Symphony’, but with an outcome more dire)  !!

Then there’s the difference between rehearsals and performances. On one occasion, or so a Trombonist tells me, he attended the technical rehearsal, at which he observed the dancers clad in their rehearsal “rags” of odd-matched clothing, allied with knitted gloves and leg-warmers - all the odds-and-sods which keep them warm and prevent muscles from being strained on a ‘cold’ stage. “This is no good !” he thought to himself .. “I’m sitting in a draught from the access doorway !  If I turn my chair round and face the other way, I’ll be out of the draught, have more space for the slide, and still see the conductor well enough.” And he did .. all week .. until the final encore on the final night .. when the orchestra stood up .. and he saw, behind him and above him  it being the musical “Sweet Charity” .. a row of svelte young ladies .. all clad (or, rather UN-clad) .. in stockings and suspenders, and other feminine apparel .. of which he had been oblivious, all week !!

This month ~ CONDUCTORS Terrorists kidnap a plane flying three orchestras abroad - if their demands weren’t met, they intended to let out one conductor every hour … Q. How many conductors does it take to change a light bulb? A: Seven .. “Of course, I wouldn't expect you to understand !” Did you hear the joke about the orchestra? I don't remember how it goes, but everyone laughs at the punchline ~ "the conductor got hit by a truck !" What do all great conductors have in common ? They are all dead. What’s the difference between an express train and an orchestra ? An express train needs a conductor. When a conductor walks into quicksand, what do you need ? More quicksand. The Timpanist kept ringing the box office to ask about the state of health of the conductor, to be told, each time, that he had died. Eventually the receptionist gave up and asked why he kept calling. “I just like to hear you say it !” What does a good conductor weigh? 28oz. (not including urn). In the beginning, people wanted to play music - so they gave them wooden tubes to blow - and called them “Wind”. Then, they noticed that many of the people were too stupid to play wind instruments, so they gave them large boxes with wires strapped across them. These people were known as “Strings”. Then they noticed that some people were too dumb to play strings, so they were given two sticks and were told to hit whatever they wanted. These people were known as “Percussionists”. Finally, they noticed that one percussionist was so dumb, he couldn’t even do that, so they took away one of his sticks and told him to go stand in front of everybody. Marriage is like being a conductor of an orchestra. It looks easy until you try it.